I’ve written this post a few times then deleted it. There's two reasons for this, one because I’m putting too much thought into it and that defeats the whole purpose of this (writing is my release btw, I am not a blogger.) Two, I don’t know how honest I want be with this but I’ve decided I’m putting it all out there because I’m sure others are going through it too.
I don’t know where my life is headed.
As in there's no direction…
and I’m shitting myself.
I completed university a couple of weeks ago and I still haven’t celebrated! (I may have drank a few shots...but I feel like something is missing...) I guess my graduation will be the proper send off but it’s not just that.
Hate to say it, but I’m literally clutching at uni like a child clutches their parent’s leg on their first day at school. I’m refusing to let go, because this means that this is where the real life shit begins. I always knew this day would come, I even prayed for it to come quicker. Now it’s here and I want a refund please.
If you read my last post on the future of the Blackspace (I appreciate it, and if you didn’t, I would take a cheeky read) I mentioned that I was doing a full time 9-5 while writing my dissertation. While that was the most stressed I’ve ever been, I don’t know what is worse? Being stressed out about having something to do or being stressed because you don’t know what to do next.
Let me give myself some credit.
I am currently interning at a big boy digital advertising agency, but even that’s coming to an end soon.
My experience with a 9-5 has been daunting. Advertising wasn’t part of the plan, I just happened to stumble on it and thought hey why not! And yet as I sit here at my desk in an open space office, a dog staring at me across the room. I feel nothing.
(I didn’t know bringing your dogs to work was a thing btw, apparently its the new office trend?)
I don’t know if I am even qualified to speak on 9-5’s, I’ve only been here for a month and a bit. A very awkward month. I wish someone had written a guidebook on how to transition from a struggling student in retail to a full time adult. Strangely I feel like I’m going through puberty all over again. I’ve worked in retail from the age of 16, I was very keen to be the “independent” woman that I thought I was going to be at 21. Retail however is nothing like a 9-5, especially if you’re a part timer. I grew just a little bit too comfortable with retail and as the deadline for my dissertation was fast approaching I was becoming very aware that I wasn’t making any moves to remove myself out of retail. So as I said I literally stumbled on this internship. Quit my part time job on Friday and started my full time position that following Monday.
A month later and I’m over it and very tempted to run back to the comfort of retail. I was very settled in my old job, been there for over a year. I felt like a celeb in that place, everyone liked me, management loved me even though I was very much a liability. Here I’m just one out of the other 400 people in the office. Just the “intern” and I think that's grating on me.
The small talk in a job like this is tedious.
“What did you get up to this weekend?” is the question I dread the most because me doing tequila shots with my friends to celebrate the finality of university is very different to taking the kids out for a day trip to the park.
I am very aware that I am the youngest here, and while that says a lot more about my success rate, it also highlights the craving for interactions with people my age.
I often ask myself if I’m being realistic. At the end of the day, work is work. Not everyday is going to be filled with excitement. However, I was also taught while growing up that if you’re not happy about something, change it. Simples.
Unfortunately it's just not that simple, especially when you don’t know what it is you exactly want to do.
I have plans for The Blackspace. Big plans. But let me tell you, it’s very easy to jot down where you want to be in the next five years. I do it every month. There’s just that small issue of how do I get there and most importantly who’s sponsoring my brand because where I want to be requires money…
Money that I don’t have (yet.)
This internship (while I am grateful for the opportunity) has further confused me. The internship has allowed me to shadow some very talented digital producers. Nothing has excited me since being here, except for lunch time and home time. Oh and the free coffee bar and unlimited tea.
Blackspace is something that I built and created in the space of year. It took a lot of alterations and giving up (I don’t do sleepless nights) but it's something I designed and I’m proud of it.
So the question that I’m left with is what exactly is my job role?
What career best suits me and will compliment what I do with The Blackspace?
Do I dedicate all my time to Blackspace?
Do I have enough time/ money to dip my toe into different careers to see what suits me best?
Is it unrealistic to want to enjoy my job while making a shit load of money?
Am I asking for too much?
Do you see why I’m stressed?
(Feel free to answer some of these questions for me lol! But if you feel the same? Trust me you're not alone)